K to L Script One

[Focus in on a vast field, grasses billowing in a gentle wind. A man lies prone, unconscious.]

Knight: Oww...

[The man stands, shaking his head to clear it. Knight is clad in black plate armor. A breastplate covers his torso, with plates of armor on his groin, thighs, and armored boots. Equally black leather covers what is not protected by the armor, including his neck and jaw.]

Knight: How much did I drink last night?

[Knight staggers to his feet and casts his bleary eyes about the field. They fall on a young woman lying as he was.]

Knight: Aw, what the fuck?!

[Knight rushes to her.]

Knight: Hey! Hey, you okay?
GIRL: Ohhh.... owww....

[Knight looks at her. Girl is wearing a flowing purple tunic which ends at the top of her breasts with a dark blue cape to her knees. Dark hair is streaked with strands of blonde down to the middle of her back. Girl is wearing thigh high leather boots on her feet.]

Knight: Come on, wake up!

[Knight turns her over.]

Knight: HEY!

[Girl looks up at him with sea-blue eyes. And screams.]

Girl: HEEEEEELLLLP!
Knight: HEY!
GIRL: RAAAAAPE! RAPE, oh, HEEEEELP!
Knight: For fuck's sake, will you SHUT UP?!
GIRL: I'VE GOT MACE!
Knight: Where?

[Girl searches herself, puzzled by what she's wearing.]

Knight: Don't look at me. Whoever Dungeons and Douchebags is, the dickweed changed my clothes, too.

Girl: Who... are you?
Knight: Knight Writer.

[Knight is puzzled.]

Knight: I know that's not my real name. I'm... Knight Writer. Why can't I say my real name?!
Girl: IDK.
Knight: Say WHAT?!
Girl: IDK.
Knight: Just what in the blue fuck is that supposed to mean?!
Girl: I.D.K. I don't know.
Knight: You could've said so.
Girl: I did. IDK. I don't know.
Knight: Shit… Riiiiight.

[Girl sidles on her bottom away from Knight, looking nervous.]

Girl: Please stop talking like that.
Knight: Like what?
Girl: Stop cussing. I hate it.
Knight: Well, too bad, I kinda feel like it now. Boo-F&U*ity-hoo.

[Knight pauses]

Knight: S#!t! F&(#!!

[Knight shakes his head.]

Knight: What the blue F&^$ is wrong with me?!
Voice: I can tell you.

[Girl and Knight look to the left. A woman is standing in the grass, tall and graceful, wearing what appears to be a pearlescent translucent fabric which billows in the wind with her waist-length blonde hair.]

Cosmos: Greetings, Knight Writer and Ladra. I am Cosmos. It is good that the both of you made it here unharmed.
Ladra: And, where is here?
Cosmos: Welcome, brave pair, to the Aniverse.
Knight: The what-i-verse?
Ladra: PAIR?!
Cosmos: The Aniverse. And yes, Ladra, you are a pair.
Knight: Here I thought Match.com was the most f@&#ed-up way to get a hook-up. Silly me.
Ladra: I have a boyfriend, and he's not it!

[Ladra points at Knight.]

Knight: So, mind telling us why you thought we'd make a great Ken and Barbie for a twisted session of dress-up?
Cosmos: Certainly. All will become clear in time.
Knight: I was hoping for a little f(*&ing sooner. Like now, f'rinstance.
Cosmos: I cannot say everything now, but I will tell you both what you need to survive.
Ladra: Can you start with why we're here?
Knight: What's with the sudden bow-'n-scrape in your voice?
Ladra: Don't you know who this is?
Knight: Ummm... No.
Cosmos: Ah, good, Ladra. I knew you would recognize me. To begin with, Knight, the two of you entered a sweepstakes just three days ago. Immediately before the drawing, in fact, and your names were selected.
Knight & Ladra: Huh?!
Cosmos: You both bought tickets to participate in a drawing on your native world. What you did not know was that they were also for a drawing in the Aniverse as well.
Knight: Funny, I don't remember seeing "Free Trip to Oz" as the grand prize on a f*&^ing LOTTERY TICKET! OH! On a related topic, WHY CAN'T I SAY F(*&?!
Cosmos: Because Ladra said you can't.

[Knight & Ladra's jaws drop open.]

Knight: Mind repeating that in English?
Cosmos: It is simple. The pair of you need each other. To elaborate, Ladra needs you to remain safe and whole in the Aniverse, and you need her for the same.
Ladra: Um... Cosmos, why do I have to depend on that badmouth?
Cosmos: Perhaps this will speed things along.

[A pool of pure darkness swirls into life before them, and from it rises eight Heartless.]

Knight: What the f*&^ing h@## are THOSE!
Ladra: Heartless!
Knight: What's a Heartless?!
Cosmos: Draw your blade, Knight, and engage them.
Knight: F*&k you!
Ladra: Knight, haven't you ever played Kingdom Hearts?
Knight: What's Kingdom Hearts?!
Ladra: I got it, this is a turotial battle!
Knight: A WHAT?!
Ladra: Listen, it's a fight early on to get you used to beating down enemies! Listen to Cosmos!
Knight: Am I the only one in the total dark here?
Cosmos: In a word, Knight, yes. This should help. Draw your sword.

[Knight draws his sword, which rings in the manner of crystal.]

Knight: You DO know I've never used one of these.
Cosmos: That does not matter. It is a skill I have granted you.
Knight: Well, that was thoughtful.

[Knight wades in, killing Heartless with utter abandon.]

Knight: I think I can get to like this!
Ladra: Now for the tutorial boss!

[Another pool of darkness opens, and the boss Darkside from Kingdom Hearts appears.]

Knight: WHAT THE F*&^ IS THAT?!
Ladra: That's Darkside! A Kingdom Hearts boss!
Knight: That explains exactly nothing!
Cosmos: Knight, your sword alone will not defeat this one.
Knight: Gee, well, that blows...
Cosmos: Ladra, receive my gift!

[On Ladra's wrist appears a gauntlet. Atop it is a nondescript black dial, with a data monitor on the outer edge from the dial.]

Cosmos: Spin the dial, and unlock one of Knight's many powers.
Ladra: What?!
Cosmos: Ladra, only you can summon Knight's innate powers. Knight, you are Ladra's Guardian. Only you can protect her.
Ladra: Summoner and Guardian? I see you like Final Fantasy X.

[Ladra gazes hard at Cosmos.]

Ladra: ...And that you like weird yaoi/slash combos.

[Cut to Cosmos, who is wearing a dark shirt whose white block letters proclaim "Tidus and Kimahri 4-EVA!"]

Cosmos: It shows, huh?
Ladra: Just a bit.
Knight: Little help here!
Cosmos: Give heed, for the survival of both of you is in that gauntlet. Ladra, spin the dial!
Ladra: Here goes!

[Ladra spins the dial. Tendrils of power shoot from it until the monitor shows a short pink sceptre with a crescent moon at its tip around a small crystal. Knight begins to levitate, his entire body having become pink and shimmery.]

Knight: This... does not bode well.

[Knight turns and twists as the change takes place. Sequence ends with a flash of light. Knight is standing where he was before, except for the fact that he now is wearing Sailor Moon's fuku, complete with the odangos and twin pigtails to his knees.]

Knight: WHAT THE F78K HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!?!?!
Ladra: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Cosmos: Knight, you now possess all the powers and abilities of one of the Aniverse's greatest warriors. Use them to defeat the Heartless before you.
Knight: GO F^%K YOURSELF, BLONDIE!

[Knight glares down at the Moon Sceptre in his hand.]

Knight: What is this, some kinda can opener?
Ladra: Just... Just trust us on this, Knight!
Knight: Keep whatever twisted fantasies you've got offa my body!
Ladra: *I* didn't know this would happen! It's not yaoi it's... crossdressing!
Knight: I am NOT some kinda magical transvestite!
Ladra: Says the muscle-man in the UBER-kawaii fuku! Go, Sailor Knight!

[The ground rumbles and thunder roars. Knight turns to see Darkside on the dirt, pounding the earth with one massive fist and laughing hysterically.]

Ladra: I didn't know Heartless could laugh...
Darkside: Well... HAHAHA... it's not in our contract but... BWAHAHAHA... THAT'S just FUCKING hilarious!
Knight: Hey, why do the bad guys get to drop F-bombs and I don't?!
Ladra: YOU'RE not a bad guy.
Knight: Right now, I'm really considering options...

[Darkside gets to its feet. Knight looks into the heart-shaped hole in its torso.]

Knight: Heartless. Right. That explains some things.

[Darkside aims a punch at Knight. Knight leaps clear, one hand holding the Moon Sceptre and the other trying to keep the short skirt from showing his butt.]

Ladra: Fight! Come on, Knight, take it out!
Knight: I don't even know it!
Ladra: I didn't mean like that, hentai! Attack it!
Knight: Hentai?!
Ladra: Yeah, hentai! Its Japanese for pervert!
Knight: Hey, you're the one who dressed me like a hooker!
Ladra: Sailor Moon is NOT a HOOKER!

[Ladra considers.]

Ladra: Well, maybe in fanfiction...
Cosmos: Knight, use Sailor Moon's power. It is the only way you will defeat Darkside.
Ladra: Use her ultimate attack, Knight!
Knight: I hope it ain't some kinda panty-flash, 'cause that's gonna get REAL ugly!
Ladra: Just aim the sceptre at it and say... say...
Knight: Well?!
Ladra: Gimme a minute, here...

[Knight leaps above a lunging sweep of Darkside's arms and stomps on the head of a Heartless which had emerged from the ground.]

Knight: I'm none too big on jumping around and showing my @$$ to every interested party! Hurry it UP, please!
Ladra: Moon... something... Moon Healing Activation!
Knight: What the F*^K? Does that even MEAN anything?!
Ladra: The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll go back to normal.
Knight: Define normal.

[Knight aims the Moon Sceptre at Darkside. The wind picks up and blows his pigtails and skirt in a dramatic, and vaguely disturbing, manner.]

Knight: I'm gonna hate myself for this later. MOON HEALING ACTIVATION!

[Darkside is blasted into nonexistence. Knight stands panting, wide-eyed at what just happened. The fuku glows white and vanishes to reveal his standard armor. The Moon Sceptre flares and becomes his sword.]

Ladra: That was AWESOME!
Knight: Oh, shut up would you? It was HUMILIATING!!
Ladra: You don't have to be so mean all the time, y'know!
Cosmos: Knight, you would do well to listen to her. It will make your adventures in the Aniverse much more pleasant.

[Knight aims a rude gesture at Cosmos.]

Knight: F%^k off.
Voice: HEY! Don't talk to Cosmos like that, you jerk!

[A Chibi appears and hovers just above Ladra's shoulder. Said Chibi is wearing Ladra's clothes and is identical to her, aside from size.]

Ladra: KAWAII! A Chibi-me!
Knight: Huh?
Cosmos: Ah! I hadn't expected you to release your Chibi-self so quickly!
L-Chan: Hiya! I'm L-Chan! Us Chibis're reflections of your innermost heart. Your true selves, like.

[L-Chan glares at Knight.]

L-Chan: I don't EVER wanna see YOURS!
Knight: Yeah, EVERYONE needs their own inner flying midget buzzing around. Say, Cosmos, just what IS the Aniverse anyway?
Cosmos: A positive question for once. Very well.

[Scene fades to a space-shot of Earth.]

Knight: Whoa!
Cosmos: The Aniverse and your world were once connnected only in one place.

[Zoom in on Japan.]

Cosmos: In that land, the connection inspired the creative minds of many, and gave form to what you refer to as "Anime" and "Video Games".
Ladra: No way! AWESOME!
Cosmos: As more and more minds were affected by the narrow point between worlds, these mediums began to spread out to other lands.

[Zoom out as lines of energy trace from Japan to the rest of the world.]

Cosmos: Naturally, the connection between the Aniverse and your world became stronger, and the influence of the combined energies of this world and the creativity of legions of people...

[Scene changes to anime conventions, thousands of fans in various forms of cosplay.]

Ladra: Otaku life, baby!
Cosmos: ...made it possible for some to enter our world.
Knight: You've GOT to be joking...
Cosmos: If I were, Knight, I would begin with "A man and a horse walk into a bar, and the man asks the horse 'Why the long face?'."
Knight: Ugh. Whatever your day job is, Cosmos, don't quit it.
L-Chan: Knight no baka.
Cosmos: I had arranged for the drawing...
Ladra: I don't mean to be rude, but we're not the only ones from Earth in the Aniverse?
Cosmos: True.
Knight: So, this whole place has "Made In Japan" stamped on it.
Cosmos: That... is not far off the mark, actually.

[Scene changes back to Knight, Ladra, Cosmos, and L-Chan in the field.]

Ladra: So, why us?
Cosmos: It was a drawing. The two of you were chosen at random.
Knight: I don't suppose I can just get back to Earth now. As in immediately.
Cosmos: It doesn't work that way.
Knight: It doesn't work that way WHY?
L-Chan: Because it doesn't. Shut up.
Cosmos: The both of you have only recently come through. To attempt a return trip so soon would likely tear your bodies apart.
Knight: Okay. Excellent reason why.

[Ladra holds up the arm bearing the gauntlet and dial.]

Ladra: So, how does this work?
Knight: Tell me I'm not gonna wear a skirt again. Those panties were TORTURE!

[Everyone looks askew at Knight.]

Knight: I'm not really compatable with that kind of equipment, y'know! Kinda have the wrong plumbing downstairs!
L-Chan: I'm not too sure about the upstairs, myself.
Knight: CRAM IT, HOUSEFLY!!!

[L-Chan sticks out her tongue and pulls down the bottom of her left eye.]

L-Chan: PPbbbssshhhhtttt!
Cosmos: Within the gauntlet is data regarding the Aniverse's most powerful warriors, and many of them are female. Whichever power you gain is determined by which is best suited to a given situation via the randomizer circuit which is connected to the dial and the power source.

[Knight has a full-body shiver and presses his fists against the sides of his head.]

Knight: I am NOT a transvestite, I am NOT a transvestite...
Ladra: Wow! Every anime and video game hero's in here! Knight, you don't know what we've got workin'!
Cosmos: More than a few villians, as well dear Ladra.

[Knight and Ladra freeze in place.]

Ladra: Say WHAT?!
Cosmos: Sometimes, their abilities are needed too.
Ladra: So, I could accidentally turn that... that... BAKA... into Jecht? Or Golbez? Even Naraku or Orochimaru?!

[Ladra is quite clearly horrified of the concept.]

Cosmos: Yes, which is why the randomizer is necessary.
Knight: That doesn't make much sense.
Cosmos: The change is merely physical. Knight will gain their powers and general appearance, save for size and facial features.
L-Chan: Y'see, if someone from your world takes on the abilities of someone from the Aniverse too many times, they start becoming that person. If tin-can over there had become Sailor Moon a dozen more times or so, then he would have literally become her. Body, mind, and all.

[L-Chan glares at Knight.]

L-Chan: Personally, I think that'd be a huge improvement.
Knight: I'm not gonna argue with Ladra's mental midget.
L-Chan: WHAAAAAAT?!
Cosmos: Pipe down, the both of you. The Aniverse is a dangerous place. Beasts of all different varieties roam its lands, fiends and monsters and Heartless. Some of the people here, most notably those who came from Earth, have learned how to bend the wills of these creatures to their own. Knight, you must protect Ladra from the dangers of the Aniverse, and from those of your own world and ours which would seek to mis-use the power of that gauntlet.
Knight: So... why take the risk with the friggin' thing in the first place?
Cosmos: I have my reasons. Take care, the three of you.

[Cosmos fades, leaving them to their own devices.]

Knight: Well, it was nice of Cosmos to leave CAMPING GEAR!

[Knight aims his shouts at the surrounding plains.]

Knight: Great job on FOOD, too! Hey, how 'bout that MAP! AT LEAST A F#$&ING CLUE WHERE TO GO!
L-Chan: That's why I'm here! I've got all that covered 'n more.

[L-Chan shoots a smug look at Knight.]

Ladra: Okay, so where to?
L-Chan: North of here's a chocobo ranch. We can get around a lot better with a pair.
Ladra: Knight, chocobos...
Knight: Are big yellow birds that run fast on a world map. I played Final Fantasy VII.
Ladra: I wouldn't have thought you into video games!
Knight: For cryin' out loud, Ladra, there are maybe four people on Earth who HAVEN'T played FFVII and I strongly suspect that they're all somewhere in central India.